“I hate him and I love him”


If you recognize that movie quote by just that tiny piece, you’re amazing.

I’m sure everyone has felt this way at one point or another. “I hate him and I love him” — it doesn’t even necessarily have to be a “him”. It could be a “her” or an “it”. It could pertain to a person or a thing. “I hate him and I love him”.

It’s an odd statement. How could you love and hate someone/something at the same time? Well, it’s simple really. Depending on the situation, you could hate him/her/it because of something they do/did or maybe because you hate the situation he/she/it put you in. And let’s now start referring to “he/she/it” as a “them” for now.

Maybe, in fact, it’s not them you hate… It’s yourself.

This has been true way too many times for me. I love them, but I hate myself for loving them. It’s a frustrating, tiring, and downright depressing feeling. Well, anyway… This movie quote inspired this next part. A monologue, of sorts, for one of my newest projects.


You had your turn years ago. It’s my turn now. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t think straight. Everything in my life is hazed together. And I think, “What the hell am I doing? What are you doing to me?” You make it so easy to hate you. You frustrate me. I hate you. You make me mad. I hate you. You lead me around in circles. I…really… hate you. But at the same time, it’s so hard to stop loving you. I catch myself reminiscing about the days when things were good. Do you remember? I remember. I remember picking up that camera and photographing you when you were too busy to notice. I remember filming us together. I remember watching you play guitar. I remember you watching me sing and play piano. I remember you teasing me. I remember the way your lips feel. They’re so soft. I remember your smell. I remember walking around wearing your shirt. My favorite shirt. I remember everything. I remember those last moments. The last time we spoke. I remember what you said and that it hurt — that it was the most painful thing I’d ever endured. I remember waking up those days and the first person I thought of was you. I hate you so much. You ruined me. I hate you. I hate you and I love you.

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